Coming clean

Wellafter lots of humming, haaring (is that even a word and how the heck is it spelt?) and a good old chat with my friend Steph (thanks hun) I’ve decided to post on here about another side road in Ellie’s journey.  This time it’s about me…

Before I go any further, this is going to be new information to most people in my life as I’ve kept it quiet because I have felt embarrassed/in denial about the whole thing. 

Since Ellie was born, I’ve developed (or it found me) PND.  There.  I said it ‘out loud’.  Personally, I hate the label and what people associate it with.  My GP likes it to stand for Post Natal Distress rather than Post Natal Depression (btw, I heart my GP…she if fab!!!!)

Before Ellie was born I thought someone with PND must spend all day in their dressing gown crying.  (The dressing gown part is part of the priorities of being a mum to a newborn…it has no relation to PND, lol).  I wasn’t ‘depressed’ as such.  I was more what you’d call a gigantic flame ball of anxiety (or something to that effect). 

I can remember my 1st panic attack.  Ellie was 1 week old (to the day) and I started to ‘freak out’ about how we were going to manage looking after her head and keeping it clean, the surgeries that would follow and just a huge overwhelming feeling of burden and responsibility that I just couldn’t cope with.  It lasted about 3 hours.

After the 1st one, the panic attacks became a regular part of my (what felt like at the time) uncontrollable life.  They were taking over everything.  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t be alone, I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t have silence and worst of all, I couldn’t sleep at night.  I would wake up about 1am and be in a panic attack until sunrise.  I was convinced I’d never sleep again and that I’d go to the loony bin because I would be like this for the rest of my life.  It hurts sometimes when I think about how out of control I felt, but mainly I can now look back on it and laugh. 

When my GP started me on sleeping tablets and anti-anxiety medication I can remember telling her that I didn’t want them cause then I’d end up a raving lunatic of an old lady who needed drugs to survive.  I also told (in bold, because at that stage I was utterly convinced) her that I was never going to sleep.  Ever.  Of course, she told me what any other sane person would…Of course you will, this is just a phase…it’ll end…you’ll be ok. Yeah freakin right! Was my response.  So her response?? Take the bloody tablets!!!  So after that, every time I hesitated taking something (because of course I was convinced I’d become addicted to the things) I’d hear her very ‘professional’ response…it was the best thing she ever said to me.

So how am I now?  Bloody fabulous!!!!!!

I’m on a long-term (1 year) course of ‘drugs’ or ‘happy pills’ as my fellow PND group and I call them (we were thinking of setting up a stall in a dark car park selling the things to any other desperate mothers) and I still take sleeping tablets at night.  The idea for the next couple of months is to continue as is, then look at slowly coming off the sleeping tablets so that I’m only on my long-term stuff.

So apart from the drugs what else has helped me to feel ‘bloody fabulous’????? 

• My Husband…where would I be without you babe xox
• My GP…I wont name you or you’ll be inundated with (even more) patients that want you
• The Waikato Family Centre…Maureen you’re a life saver
• My family…Mum, there’s no way to thank you enough.  Dad, I never knew you were such SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) when it comes to talking about how things were for me.
• My friends that I told
• My PND support group/Black Market Drug Dealers/Choccie Bikkie Eaters

I feel like I should apologise to all those people who are finding out about this through such an impersonal way.  I guess it was either this or never telling more people.  It’s not the kind of topic that slips easily into a conversation… Wow, hasn’t the weather been fabulous??  I’ve got PND. Hmmm…it doesn’t quite fit.  I’ve been embarrassed and feel like I shouldn’t be one of ‘those’ people.  I have a degree, a career, I’m not an idiot, so why did I end up with PND???? 

The most important thing I’ve learnt is that PND is nota choice.  You don’t one day wake up and decide to feel completley lost in your regular life. You don’t one day decide to start being terrified of being alone.  You don’t one day decide to tell someone you’ve got PND just because you made it up.  It is not a ‘problem’ that should just go away. It is not something to be ashamed of.  It does not mean I will have no happy memories of Ellie as a baby.  And no I cannot snap out of it!

So, what does it mean?  I appreciate life so much more.  I have learnt who to trust with expressing my feelings to.  I have discovered it’s ok to take medication.  But most of all, I have learnt that PND has a beginning and an end and that life is worth living every minute.

Appreciate your life.  Appreciate your health.  Tell those close to you how much they mean to you.  Laugh every day.

Thank you to my friends who have helped hang out my washing, play with Brenna, bring me yummy food and keep me company during my scary days.

As one friend has said to me… You don’t have to tell people you have PND, just say you’ve been feeling under the weather.    We had a good laugh about that one.

I love my life

(honestly, I’m not making it up.  I swear, lol :))

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